ISCR Investigation Clears The Long Afternoon of Doping Allegations


GENEVA, Switzerland — The record shows The Long Afternoon is innocent.

In response to allegations that The Long Afternoon’s new album, Regression, was recorded while its personnel were using performance-enhancing drugs, the International Society for Clean Rock (ISCR) opened an investigation in early August 2016.

The cover art from Regression, the fourth album by The Long Afternoon.

The Long Afternoon’s fourth album, Regression, is not a byproduct of performance-enhancing substances, an ISCR investigation has concluded.

The Long Afternoon is a cryptic indie rock organization that has ignored industry standard career-building activities in favor of pursuing an agenda known only to the group’s secretive inner circle. Accusations began swirling late last year when the group’s first album in five years was announced.

After interviews with fellow musicians and rock journalists, and a lengthy series of biomedical tests performed on all four members of the reclusive rock outfit, the ISCR issued a statement exonerating The Long Afternoon and bestowing the Clean Rock™ label on Regression.

“There is no evidence that any of The Long Afternoon’s personnel used or have used in the past any performance-enhancing substances favored by rock musicians and for which tests currently exist,” said ISCR spokesperson Mary Ellen DeLonghe. “Their new album, Regression, is clean.”

Allegations submitted to the ISCR anonymously asserted that Regression was “too well-crafted to have been composed and recorded by musicians who were not doping at the time.”

“This claim,” added DeLonghe, “has been debunked.”

The ISCR ended its statement with the observation that “Listeners should enjoy Regression with full assurance that what they’re hearing is the fruit of human creativity, and not simply the result of a chemical cocktail.”

The ISCR’s statement on The Long Afternoon was welcomed by Ginger M. Armalade, the organization’s chief counsel. “Our board of directors’ confidence in this latest offering has never wavered or flagged in the face of these petty and scurrilous insinuations,” she responded. “That confidence has now been completely borne out by the ISCR’s findings.”

Asked whether consumption of the contents of the Regression album could be enhanced by substances, Armalade was typically ambiguous. “That’s a notion that the organization believes is completely unnecessary to explore,” she responded.

The Long Afternoon’s Regression album will be available via iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, and other distribution systems on August 16.


Autoresponder, song 1 on Regression:

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